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Mandark [userpic]

November 6th, 2014 (04:11 pm)

NO MORE HEAD INJURIES. No more drugs............other than Zoloft. I smell like a bar. For sure. Which is really uncomfortable when you're at a house with people you don't know that well. I'm grateful. For sure. But I'm even paranoid to take a shower. Not because of the people I live with, but because I'm totally unsure when anythings OK, where things go, how to behave, etc. I'm to used to people being mad at me. It's more damaging than I thought it was. Also, when I'm not damaging-- I make a way to be so. Sabotage. How do I not sabotage things? Don't move or speak I think. I don't fucking know.

I'm in a toss up between being me and not fucking things up for myself. I will attest to that being me isn't necessarily great. It can be, but for the most part I'm shit magnet. How do you abandon the person you love most? By this, I mean me. I love me. Don't wanna let me go, I just want things to not be so fucking complicated. I also rarely want to move. I just want to curl up in a ball or stare at the floor. LIKE A BADASS.

No seriously, it's totally not badass.

I was supposed to be in Tucson by now. I'm not. Boyfriend's friend is coming over. I just want to be alone. But generally that is the case with me.

I don't want to feel like I gave someone the wrong impression of me. I mean. I showed him me. I just am not the best me right now. I'm a shitty me. I'm a scared me.