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Mandark [userpic]

Brain need stop hurting.

November 8th, 2014 (01:03 pm)

Still no mas focus. My ability to speak has been impaired for days. I'm not sure how to fix this.

I'm happy where I'm at, I think. Aside from the general discomfort. That comes with the territory. As I always say, it's not my first time at the rodeo.

I just watched a fly die. Seriously. Of natural causes. Just drop dead out of mid air. Uttered a fraction of a "zzz" then died. Whoa.

Seems like everything dies in California. Why the fuck do people sing about it all the time? Well, if it was about death I'd get that, but everyone sings about how fucking great it is or about the pollution. Never about the fact that there's fucking dead animals all over the San Joaquin Valley. Literally. Fucking everywhere.

Now it's gotten bizarre to the point I found a dead horse. What the fuck. Halter on and everything. Hidden up in an orchard.

There's to many orchards here.

I feel like I spent most of my life with people telling me it's great here, and I've never got it. Now I've given it a good honest try. Still no. Don't get it.
Arizona is the best place. In my opinion. I don't necessarily agree with our politics and I totally hate Phoenix; but overall-- it's a place of wonders. I think I can explain why.
I have a sense of control there.
I have a tendency to throw myself into situations where I have no control. I can take control, I just don't. This is another one of those situations. Unfortunately I have no idea whether the person I'm with realizes that. He probably does. Or at least part of him does.
I fucking hate having company for an extended time. Actually, I really just fucking hate not feeling like I live alone. If I'm gonna live with people, I wanna live with people that are never here. Not fucking here ALL the time.
Doesn't mean I don't want to stay in California.
However, my reasons for staying are......well, I dunno, confusing. But I like confusing don't I? I think I do. Well, no. it's chaos. I must. Because that's what follows me. Scratch that. That's what I thrive on. I think. I must. Thriving on chaos.

I go through these phases sometimes where I think I can be normal, but it hasn't fully come to fruition yet. It just sort of floats in and out.

Head still hurts from accident. It's all kinds of not good. Can go to Doctors. Just haven't. I haven't decide how much I care yet.

Confusing? Chaos? all the same.

I'm just causing problems.


I need to be independently wealthy and just be a hermit.

I also need a bath. or a shower. whichever. Where the fuck is Robert Downey Jr. when you need him?